Haven't posted in a while.

Since my last entry I have lost 19 pounds, 6 inches off my waist and 4 inches off each thigh. To me I really don't look much different yet but I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment.
I have not a had a single soda since February 3rd. **faint** I drink at least 6 glasses of water a day. I know that it's supposed to be 8 but going from drinking water occaisionally to it being your primary drink is amazing. To me any weightloss progress is amazing considering the amount of stress I'm under. I am an emotional eater so stress usually causes me to gain weight. I am proud that this time around I am sticking with it. This is not a diet , it is a permanent change of my eating habits.

On the homefront... my boyfriend that is still in Iowa has decided to move back to Chicago later this summer and has also agreed to move to Minnesota with me next year. There is too much back story to this situation, maybe one day I'll explain why this is so amazing. I am fully prepared for him to change his mind. I have some faith that he meant what he said, but the only man I put my complete faith in is JESUS so I am prepared for anything. The long distance thing really hasn't taken much of a toll on our relationship, if anything he has been on his best behavior since moving.

I have been talking about moving to Minneapolis for years now and i am sooo ready to make that move. I need to escape from this land of miniscule opportunites. Don't get me wrong , there is money to be made in Illinois but to make money legally LOL you need a vehicle so that you can travel to the good jobs. A luxury that I don't currently have. Hopefully that will change soon.
That's all for now.

Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.

I have had a most interesting weekend. Starting with my Moms birthday on Friday, I lost my damn mind and ate whatever the hell I wanted to this weekend. Now I feel as if I'm starting from scratch. I have to learn to look at this as part of the transition. I am going from caterpillar to butterfly this year whether I am ready or not. Let me re phrase... I am soooooo ready.. I have to stop looking at my weightloss as a diet and start seeing this as apart of my lifestyle change. I am more determined now than I was when I first started. Time to regroup and march on. I am going to make it happen dammit!!!!!!!!!

Relax.. Relate.. Release...

My Day...Started out great, and has slowly began the slide down a razor blade into an alcohol river. OUCH!!!! I will not allow myself to fall back into my emotional eating habits. But damn, I really feel like I deserve a treat. I am a half an inch away from ordering a pizza. **sigh**

I am sooooo tired of being nice to people that don't deserve it. It is just my nature and I hate it.. People take my kindness for weakness and/ or stupidity and I am about 3 steps away from going off. I don't want to stop being nice, but certain people don't understand anything but attitude and yelling.

AAHHH feels better to get that off my chest. I need to learn to walk the fine line between bitch and B.I.T.C.H < Babe in total control of herself.

Feeling better...

I am completely awake at 12:40 am. I really need to be sleep but I'm too charged up. In spite of the fact that my boyfriend is on his way back to Iowa at this very moment, I'm in a much better mood. In spite of having a conversation with my ass of an ex yesterday evening, I have a smile on my face. In spite of missing the last half an hour of desperate housewives, I feel good. Hopefully the trend will continue as the day progresses.
I came across this quote and it caught my attention.

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
-Dr. Seuss

Hilarious, really. I am now taking advice from Dr. freakin' Suess. But the message is real.
This is how I feel about drama. I was really down earlier and although I still want that tattoo (smile). I realize that I have to learn to stop wallowing, pull myself up by my bootstraps and beat the hell out of the drama before it beats the hell out of me. Easier said than done.
I am high strung like my crazy mother.{ I love her to pieces} and I tend to really worry and fly off the handle at times over the tiniest things. I know that most of the time I am sweating the small stuff and I will do my best to come down a notch in 2006. Yet another thing on my personal inventory to do list.

1. Lose weight (get healthy) I refuse to run around looking like Nicole Ritchie ( bless her bony little heart)
2. Stop sweating the small stuff
3. Stop living life on the sidelines
4. Find more to smile about

Oh sh*t, the list is growing and I have a feeling this is only the tip of the iceberg.

Vent

I am trying to get out of this funky mood that I seem to have fallen into. Drama, drama , drama. I am sick of it. I want to get "NO MORE DRAMA" in bright pink tatooed on my ass and start mooning people. SERIOUSLY.
I am using my disappointment and lack of fullfilment as fuel. I have never been more motivated to lose this weight in my entire life. I realize that I have this one thing that I can control. ME. My attitude, and the way I react to and perceive certain situations heck, my weight etc. I'm a work in progress. Still a mess but determined to get it together.
I have been sitting over here searching the web for things to make me smile and I stumbled on the blinky at the top of my page. I got a good laugh and realized that things could be alot worse. But damn they could be a lot better too **sigh**

First leg of my journey.

As I mentioned in my pseudo introduction, I am embarking on a journey to find the "real" me.
Let me clarify.
I spent most of my life being soft spoken and introverted. Recently I realized that those personality traits rarely get you anywhere. I am on a mission to become a butterfly, break out of the cocoon.

I am finally ready to admit that losing weight will definitely help me transform me into the butterfly that I speak of. I won't be so inclined to hide in the shadows. I will actually be able to not be self conscious about my looks. I know it's not the cure all, but it's a start. The confidence boost that I got from realizing that I lost 20 pounds since July without trying, is the jumpstart that I needed. I am officially motivated. Hopefully this blog will chronicle a phenomenal transformation. Scratch hopefully.... Failure is not an option.
My plan: lower carb eating, excercise 5 days a week. Sounds good right??? Right!!!

That being said... Stress is my biggest trigger. My boyfriend just moved to Iowa for a job. The job market in Chicago is crap so his motives were totally understandable. This long distance relationship crap is for the birds. He is only 3 hours away and he is in town this weekend but it is SO not enough. I know it was hard for him to leave, so I don't want to add extra stress to him but this is... hard.. to say the least. aaaaaaaaaarggggghhhhhhhh
This is the part where I have to be an adult and let things take their course right??? Everyone keeps telling me that things will work out like they are supposed to... I guess.

New Year New things

Chicago. My city. I love it here and wouldn't change growing up here for anything. BUT...
I am ready for a change. Tired of the same thing day after day, same B.S., same drama, so I have decided to actively change my life for the better. This blog will chronicle my journey.

SO melodramatic, I know.

Randomness...
Where I'm coming from
Explanation of the name: Butterfly - because I feel like I'm finally coming out if the "cocoon" that I have been held captive in for the first 26 years of my life. Karma - because I really believe that what you put out there, you get back. I am so ready for the good Karma I put out there to make it's way back to me.

Found this today....

"squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said" - Ani DiFranco

Feeling it. That. is. all.